Hey kids, want to get "un-messed up"? The Dr is in!

Hey, lose the f-cking smartphone...read the Spritzler Report ON LINE ON YOUR COMPUTER 30 mins per day and you will literally be beating away the opposite sex. You think I'm kidding here? You will be dripping in sex....sorry...only if you're 18. Not there yet? Don't worry you can still do whatever you can get away with so longer as your folks don't....OMG...Scrap that. Just keep your hands to yourself!

Also, stop playing organized sports and simply go out and frolick with your buddies outside of the watchful gaze of your overstressed parents. Just stay off the police report (don't get caught).

You're about to get 1000% happier.