Hey, I get it. If you've been married to a guy that's enough. Why sign up for a 2nd tour of Duty with the 122nd Airborne.
I figured Sam Kinison had it figured out for men too?
Then it occurred to me. There are a bunch of lecherous old dudes, dripping with money marrying women 10 or god forbid 15 years their junior...literally ingesting pallet loads of Viagra. It's absolutely disgusting.
One Husband Is Enough: Women in Their 60s See No Need to Remarry
Many don’t want the hassle or financial complications. ‘What would be the point?’
Alexandra Cruse keeps active with cycling and volunteering. She visits her sons and grandchildren in New England four times a year.
Alexandra Cruse keeps active with cycling and volunteering. She visits her sons and grandchildren in New England four times a year.
By Harriet TorryFollow
Aug. 24, 2024 5:30 am ET
In many ways, Alexandra Cruse is living the American retirement dream.
Cruse moved to Palm Beach Gardens, Fla., a year and a half ago to escape the cold winters in Massachusetts. She describes her financial situation as “perfectly comfortable” after a career in banking. She keeps active with yoga, volunteering at a local hospice, piano lessons, art classes and a bicycling group.
One thing she’s not interested in: saying “I do.” Cruse lost her husband of nearly four decades, Stephen, in 2015. And while she’s open to meeting a new partner, she has no desire to remarry.
Alexandra Cruse lost her husband in 2015. ‘When I was first widowed, I felt like I was floating in outer space,’ she said.
“What would be the point?” said Cruse, 68. “Just the commingling funds is just too complicated.” Besides, “over 65, you’re not going to have any children.”
Plenty of American women are finding that they don’t need a husband to enjoy their golden years. Both men and women in their mid-60s or older are more likely to be divorced or never married than at any time in the past three decades. But the women are much less likely than their male counterparts to get remarried.
Part of the reason is that women have a smaller pool to choose from. They on average live about five years longer than men, according to the federal Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
About 53% of U.S. women 65 and older are divorced, widowed or never married, compared with 30% of men, according to an analysis of Census Bureau data by Bowling Green State University’s National Center for Family & Marriage Research.
But there are other considerations, too. Women are more likely to maintain stronger social ties with family and friends, which means they have more support after a divorce or the death of a spouse. And for both men and women, American society has become more accepting of couples living together outside of marriage.
Susan Brown, a sociology professor at Bowling Green and one of the authors of the Census analysis, said that many older women “don’t want to be a ‘nurse or a purse.’ ” That means, Brown said, that they “don’t want to provide care and they don’t want to jeopardize their own financial stability.”
That’s the case for Christy Sahler, who has been divorced for almost three decades. She has no plans to remarry, as she wants to ensure her assets pass only to her daughter.
“It’s a bit lonely having dinner on my own,” said Sahler, who is 61 and lives in Tucson, Ariz. “But I recognize that if I had a partner I’d be going home to make dinner for that person.” Being single also frees her up to do other things in the evenings, like yoga and pottery.
After a divorce or bereavement, younger women are more likely than men to find a new partner. That trend shifts after age 35. By age 55 to 64, men are twice as likely to remarry, and more than three times as likely when they are age 65 and older.
The last time Pew Research Center polled divorced or widowed Americans about their intentions to remarry, in 2014, 54% of women said they didn’t want to get married again. Only 30% of men gave the same answer.
Research shows that marriage tends to be good for a person’s finances. Married people have a higher median net worth and are more likely to be homeowners than their unmarried peers, thanks in part to their ability to split costs, pool assets and get certain tax breaks.
Divorce is financially detrimental at any age, but particularly punishing later in life when people have less time to catch up financially. Women who divorce at age 50 or older experience a 45% decline in their standard of living, while men see their standard of living drop by just 21%, according to a 2021 study in the Journals of Gerontology. That can make women especially hesitant about entering another marriage: They worry about having to go through the same thing again.
Norma Israel and Larry Chase in Rome. Photo: Norma Israel
Remarriage can also create thorny disputes around issues like inheritance and power of attorney, especially when both partners bring children into the relationship. Widows and divorcées who remarry may lose eligibility to their former spouse’s Social Security benefits.
Norma Israel’s first marriage ended in divorce when she was in her 30s, and she lost her second husband to cancer in her 50s.
She wasn’t looking for another relationship when, a year later, a co-worker invited her to a concert. She and Larry Chase have now been together for a decade and live together in North Beach, Md. They share a love for music and travel, but they don’t share bank accounts. And Israel has no plans to put a ring on it.
“It’s hard for me to have three strikes,” said Israel, 63.
Chase said he would get remarried if it were important to Israel, but he’s equally happy not to.
“Society seems pretty OK with it nowadays,” said Chase, 78, who was previously married and has a son.
“We’re in love,” he added. “It’s a pretty nice life.”
Na’ama Shenhav, who teaches public policy at the University of California, Berkeley, found that when women’s wages increase relative to men’s, so does the share of women who choose not to marry. The share of divorced women also rises when women’s wages increase.
Rosemary Hopcroft, a sociology professor emerita at the University of North Carolina at Charlotte, found that higher-income men are more likely to get married and remarried than men who make less money. For women, the effect is the opposite: Higher-income women are less likely to get married and remarried than other women.
“As women get older, the group of men they find attractive gets smaller and smaller; whereas for men, as they get older and more financially stable, the group of women they find attractive gets larger and larger,” said Hopcroft.
What’s more, longer lifespans mean people are looking at their golden years with a different time horizon. By the end of this year, the youngest of the baby boomer generation—around 70 million strong, or one in five Americans—will all turn 60. According to the Social Security Administration, a 60-year-old man today can expect to live for nearly 24 more years, while a 60-year-old woman can expect to live for nearly 27 more years.
“For a lot of people that means thinking, ‘Am I going to stay in a potentially unsatisfying relationship for the rest of my life if the rest of my life is decades instead of years?’ ” said Jeffrey Stokes, associate professor at the Gerontology Institute at the University of Massachusetts Boston.
Lyn Silarski finds comfort in hiking in the woods around her house in New Hampshire.
Today, overall divorce rates are falling. But the share of adults ages 65 and up who were divorced in 2022 was nearly triple the 1990 level, according to the Bowling Green analysis.
Lyn Silarski divorced in her early 50s after 16 years of marriage. A period of financial hardship followed, as she had to restart her career and deal with legal costs. She had to dip into her retirement savings and sell her house during a three-year spell of unemployment.
Today, Silarski is working as a graphic designer and living in a rented house in Manchester, N.H., enjoying the fact that she’s no longer responsible for the upkeep of the outdoors of the property. In her free time, she works out and goes hiking.
“I often say I wish I had a man to run around with, somebody who was a friend who wanted to do things, because I do have the girlfriends but they’re married and they’re busy,” said Silarski, 69.
Silarski, who has two sons and one grandchild, tried online dating, but found men her own age wanted to date younger women. Older men interested in a relationship with her were looking for someone to take care of them, she said.
“Perhaps someone might come along who would be an incredible fit,” Silarski said, “but I see that as kind of in the realm of miracles, really.”
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