F-cking emotional support dogs!

As the CEO of Spritzler Real Estate, our landlords typically have the option to hire emotional support pythons which are useful to provide a safe space when confronted with an unruly emotional support dog. Sadly, every once in a while, some of the smaller canines do become part of the "snake food chain".

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U4tU3ZRFoUI

Who Let the Dogs In?

A landlord contends with ‘emotional-support animals.’

By Bert Stratton, WSJ

Updated May 25, 2026

I have a no-dogs policy. I’m a landlord. When I bought the building in Lakewood, Ohio, decades ago, a gigantic Doberman lived in apartment 400. It bounded down the stairs and almost ran me over. Also, the dog stained the oak floors by regularly urinating in the living room.

So I kicked the dog out, and the tenant, and instituted a new policy. (Cats are OK at an additional $20 a month.)

Yet I do have dogs in the building—“emotional support animals.” These aren’t trained service animals like those that help the blind. Tenants find a licensed social worker or psychologist to write a letter saying the animal is needed for their mental health. The Fair Housing Amendments Act obligates the landlord to offer “reasonable accommodations” to tenants with disabilities, emotional and otherwise.

Last month a new tenant informed me she has two emotional-support dogs. She brought this up after she had already moved in. She described the dogs as “mixed-breeds, about 20 pounds each.” I immediately fantasized about changing my no-dog policy to “second dogs are OK—at $500 a month.” That would slow the pooch parade. But it would be illegal.

The tenant texted me that Daisy and Miu “are bonded and separating them would cause distress that would negatively impact my condition.” The dogs’ owner also pointed out: “My apartment is approximately 700 square feet, which is sufficient space for their size and needs.” My tenant had done her homework. More than I had. I didn’t know you could have two emotional-support dogs in a one-bedroom. How about three dogs?

The tenant said each dog has a unique function: “One assists me with daily functioning and provides support when I leave home, whereas the other helps reduce anxiety and provides a sense of safety and stability within my home environment, particularly following a past traumatic experience.”

The tenant works in a restaurant, but everybody is a lawyer on the side, courtesy of AI.

If the dogs aren’t quiet, I’ll have to file an eviction for “disrupting the neighbors’ peaceful enjoyment of the premises.” What a hassle.

I’m hoping the dogs are reasonable. The tenant isn’t.

Mr. Stratton is author of the blog Klezmer Guy: Real Music & Real Estate.