How to bring up pet peeves in your relationship

What a load of crap. Know how many times Faith has been married? Five! And she hops from bed to bed with the frequency of a cheap ham radio.

How to bring up pet peeves in your relationship

Inevitably, your partner will get on your nerves. A couples therapist explains how to talk about it well – and be heard

by Faith Drew, marriage and family therapist, Psyche Magazine

Faith Drew is a licensed marriage and family therapist, certified Gottman therapist and group practice owner specialising in couples therapy. She helps couples repair trust, improve communication, and navigate complex relationship challenges using evidence-based approaches. She lives in Carefree, Arizona.

Published 5 May 2026

Being in a relationship means that, at some point, you will feel irritated by your partner. No matter how much you love them and appreciate the ways they are wonderful, there will be things they do – or don’t do – that get under your skin. These could be as small as leaving the toilet seat up, forgetting to turn lights off, letting their shoe collection turn into a tripping hazard, or scrolling on their phone through dinnertime.

The truth is, we all do things that irritate others, especially the people we spend the most time with. These are the little things we do out of habit, inattention, forgetfulness or neglect, not out of ill will. But when they happen repeatedly without being addressed, they can become gateways to resentment and disconnection.

In my work as a therapist, I help couples understand that conflict isn’t a sign of failure. It is normal, expected, and can even be healthy if it’s managed right. A couple cannot eliminate conflict altogether, but they can learn to approach it with respect, curiosity and care. When you can talk about the small stuff well, you prevent it from turning into something bigger and more harmful.

What pet peeves uncover

The feelings that someone has about a partner’s bothersome behaviour are often not about the behaviour itself. In my therapy room, seemingly minor issues – the misplaced items, the forgotten task, etc – frequently turn out to be symbolic. They represent deeper questions and something much more personal: Do you see me? Do my needs matter? Are we in this together?

This is where some distinctions made by the relationship psychologists John Gottman and Julie Gottman can help bring relief.

Some irritations can be fixed with a simple conversation or adjustment. For example, Sam gets annoyed when the lavender-scented laundry detergent runs out, and it keeps happening because Riley, who usually does the shopping, never remembers to buy it. They talk about it, realise it’s just a communication gap, and decide to add a picture of the product to a shared notes app. Now, whoever goes to the store can grab the right one – problem solved.

Other annoyances or pet peeves are not quite so easy to address. They stem from who each partner is: preferences, personality traits, rhythms or quirks. Sam prefers everything to be organised and wants the household products lined up neatly in the same spot every time. Riley, on the other hand, is naturally more relaxed and tends to put things back wherever there’s space. No matter how many times they talk about it, this difference in their personalities keeps showing up. It’s simply one of those enduring aspects of their relationship.

These differences can escalate when they become gridlocked: when the same argument happens over and over, and neither person wants to talk about it at all. I often hear couples say: ‘Oh, that topic is off limits. We never get anywhere.’ And yet, avoiding the topic keeps you disconnected. At first, it might bring a sense of peace. But when a source of irritation gets pushed down unresolved, over time it can resurface in other ways, such as through sarcasm, irritability or passive-aggressiveness. Avoidance doesn’t eliminate the tension or the problem; it delays it.

Long-term differences between partners are completely normal. You’re not supposed to ‘fix’ them. What you can do is negotiate what each of you is able to be flexible about and then figure out how to compromise and find a workable solution. You can approach your partner about your different tendencies with curiosity, instead of contempt or criticism. You can learn to manage the difference in a way that feels respectful and, at times, even light-hearted. That’s how you go from gridlock to movement.

When pet peeves are approached gently, they stop being tiny landmines. They become moments when partners seek to understand each other a little better. The following guidelines can help you raise these with care. In doing so, you reinforce your connection, give yourself the best chance of being heard, and honour what matters to you.

Key points

• In any relationship, your partner will do something that irritates you. The way to respond is neither confrontation nor avoidance, but by talking it out with an intention to reinforce your connection.

• Reflect before you speak. Consider whether you should say something about it (is it very bothersome? Is it repeated?). Then ask yourself why it bothers you and what you want from talking about it.

• Pick your moment wisely. Find a time and context where both of you can be present, patient and open.

• Start with softness, not criticism. Gently describe how you feel and frame the concern as something you can address together.

• Stay focused on connection. Your goal is to connect and communicate, not to win a battle. If your partner gets defensive, try responding with patience and empathy.

• Express appreciation. Sharing what you appreciate about your partner’s other behaviours – beyond the thing that bugs you – reinforces that you’re on the same team.

• Keep talking about it as needed. You may have to revisit the issue until you feel there’s a better understanding of what’s been bothering you, and you’ve agreed to try a solution that works for you both.

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• Reflect before you speak

First, consider whether the issue is something you should bring up or not. If it not only really irritates you but has become repetitive, that’s a good indication to talk with your partner to try to find a resolution.

Before saying anything, though, check in with yourself. Ask yourself a few questions:

• What is this really about for me? For example, you might think: I dislike my partner wearing shoes inside the house. I believe the bottoms of shoes have dirt, bacteria, etc and I’d like the house to feel clean. For me, this is about cleanliness and not having to stress about what’s getting on the floor.

• Does it tap into something from my background or family history? I grew up in a home where people took shoes off at the entryway. It was a sign of respect.

• How does this behaviour make me feel? When I see my partner walking around in our house with shoes on, I feel disgusted and distracted.

• What do I really want to come from this conversation? My goal is to share how I feel and to be heard. Ultimately, I would love it if we both take off our shoes when we enter. Maybe we could get a shoe rack near the entryway to keep the shoes organised.

This moment of reflection helps you shift from reacting to reconnecting – first with yourself, then with your partner. Let your end goal be your north star. There’s a world of difference between wanting to scold your partner for a behaviour, even if it makes them feel dismissed or humiliated, and consciously deciding: ‘I want to be understood, because when my partner understands me, I feel more connected and secure in our relationship.’ Clarifying what you truly want from the conversation helps guide your tone and the words you choose.

Pick your moment wisely

Your timing can make all the difference. If your partner is on a deadline, running on fumes, or trying to get out the door, it’s probably not the time to bring up something that’s been bothering you. If you know you have less energy or are quick to snap when you’re about to go to bed, wait until you feel rested. If you have children and they are likely to interrupt whatever you try to say to your partner, find a time when that’s not the case.

These conversations take quality time, especially if you’re trying to manage your emotions. This is not the kind of talk you want to squeeze into the moment before you have to do something else. The pressure of time constraints will flatten your emotional bandwidth and set you both up for frustration and possible escalation. Instead, give yourself room. You might say: ‘Hey, can we talk about something that’s been on my mind over lunch?’ or ‘Let’s revisit this after we put the kids to bed.’

If you’re not able to find a good time right away, you don’t have to ignore your feelings or convince yourself that it’s ‘not a big deal’. It is a big deal if it matters to you, and it deserves a context where both of you can be present, patient and open.

Start with softness, not criticism

According to the Gottmans, the way you begin a conversation with your partner matters more than almost anything else. Harsh openings – ‘You’re always doing this’ or ‘Why can’t you ever remember to…’ – set up the conversation for failure.

Instead, use a softer start that focuses on how you feel and frames the concern as something to address together. For example:

I’ve noticed that when we have dinner together, you’re often checking your phone. I know it might seem small, but I start to feel like I’m not that interesting to you when that happens. Can we talk about it?

This kind of language signals that you’re not trying to call them out – you’re trying to let them in. You’re addressing something that matters to you while protecting the emotional safety that the two of you feel with each other.

Your tone and body language also play an important role in maintaining softness and connection in a conversation. You could be literally saying: ‘I want to figure this out with you,’ but if you say it with a clipped tone and folded arms, it sends a mixed message. Instead, you might use a slightly lower volume or gentler tone, open your arms, and invite your partner to sit with you on the couch when you talk.

Stay focused on connection

After you begin the conversation with a soft start, there might still be moments where you risk going off track or getting caught in a back-and-forth of criticism and defensiveness.

If you criticise a partner’s character or perceived motives, that is naturally going to elicit a defensive response. So, instead of saying something like: ‘You don’t even care about me… you’re too busy scrolling TikTok,’ describe how you feel and why, with an eye toward maintaining your connection, like: ‘I realise social media is fun, but it’s hard when I want to share about my day with you and I’m looking at the top of your head. I feel unimportant and uncared for.’

Even when you have the best of intentions, your partner, being a human being, might still feel triggered, hurt or defensive. That doesn’t necessarily mean you did it wrong. In moments like these, your job is to watch yourself. This is often where people flip from trying to communicate gently to thinking: Well, if they’re not listening, why am I even trying? The risk is that you just start throwing emotional zingers or shutting down in an ‘I give up’ way.

Hang in there. Take a few slow breaths. Stay anchored in the desire to connect and communicate, not to claim victory. If your partner looks overwhelmed or reacts sharply, try responding with patience and empathy rather than matching their intensity. You might say something like: ‘I didn’t mean to catch you off guard; could you think about it for a bit, and we’ll talk about it later?’ This kind of gentleness often helps your partner’s nervous system settle, so they can return to the conversation with more openness and less defensiveness.

Express appreciation

This one is easy to forget, but it matters. Many of us are predisposed to focus on what’s going wrong. If you have a review at work where you receive five pieces of feedback, you might fixate on the one negative comment. In relationships, the same pattern can show up: when you bring up a concern, your partner might then zero in on what they’ve done ‘wrong’ and overlook everything that’s going well.

That’s why appreciation is essential, especially after bringing up a pet peeve.

In the phone-at-dinner scenario, after sharing how it makes you feel, you could try adding something like: ‘I know I’m pointing out this one thing, but I appreciate how present you are at other times, like during our evening walks or when we talk before bed. That means a lot to me.’

This kind of acknowledgment helps your partner stay open. It reinforces that you are on the same team, even when you’re navigating tension.

Keep talking about it as needed

One of the biggest misconceptions about bringing up irritations is that, once you talk about it ‘the right way’, it should be resolved forever. In real relationships, that’s rarely how it works.

These conversations are part of an ongoing dialogue, and you might find yourselves circling back to what feels like the same topic more than once. That doesn’t mean you’re failing, just that you’re in a relationship with a human being who has their own feelings, habits and sensitivities.

Here’s something that most couples find reassuring: putting these communication skills into practice is a lifelong endeavour. Truly. I’m a couples therapist married to another couples therapist, and even we fall into moments of reactivity, defensiveness or misattunement. We don’t always execute these steps flawlessly – far from it. But we keep at it. We remind each other that the struggle in the moment is not the whole story of our relationship. We keep returning to the same message: We’re in this together, and we can work our way through it.

Healthy couples are the ones who keep choosing repair, understanding and connection – conversation after conversation. From these conversations, you get closer to your end goal in bringing up the pet peeve to begin with. Some signs that you’re moving in the right direction are that each of you gains a better understanding about what’s been bothering you; you agree to try a solution (ie, compromise) that works for you both; and the issue doesn’t feel as charged as it once was. Until then, keep talking.

Final notes

Each time you bring up a source of irritation with thoughtfulness and care, you’re reinforcing something essential: that it’s safe to talk about what matters. That trust and emotional safety can be built in ordinary, imperfect moments, not just during the big ones. The next time you find that something your partner has done (or not done) is getting on your nerves, pause. Start with step one of this Guide. That small frustration may point to something important, such as your needs, values or the connection itself.

If you try to communicate with your partner but you’re still feeling stuck, it could be worth seeking some help from a therapist who works with couples. You would be in good company. I help couples every day learn how to talk about the little things – before they become big things.