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Is Your Grown Child Pulling Away? These Are the Early Signs of Estrangement
Research shows that pullback from parents often begins gradually. Spotting the stages can help with reconciliation, therapists say.
By Elizabeth Bernstein, WSJ
Oct. 10, 2026 7:00 am ET
When I interview parents who are estranged from their adult children, many say: “My child cut me off out of the blue. I didn’t see it coming.”
Yet people who have gone “no contact” with their parents often tell me that this decision was their last resort—and a long time coming.
Why the disconnect?
Estrangement typically occurs on a continuum—and parents don’t always recognize the signs, says Kristina Scharp, a communication professor at Rutgers University who studies the issue. Think of a scale from one to 10, where 10 is full contact between parent and child and one is none. In between, there is a slow pullback: fewer calls and visits, less access granted.
“It’s a myth that estrangement is always all or nothing,” Scharp says.
Scharp identified eight characteristics of estrangement, or areas in which adult children who are pulling away from their parents change their behaviors or feelings:
Communication quantity: They reduce the amount of contact. In a less-severe estrangement, they might call from time to time. In a more severe case, there is no contact.
Communication quality: They stop sharing meaningful or personal information. Instead of talking about their job or partner, for example, they might talk about the weather.
Physical distance: They move away or stay away. Some might remain in touch. Others move and don’t tell their parents where they live.
Presence or absence of emotion: The amount of emotion that they feel for their parent changes. Some are flooded with anger or devastation. Others report feeling numb.
ositive or negative affect: The flavor of emotion changes, often becoming more negative as the child becomes more estranged. For example, someone might go from feeling that their mom is difficult to resenting or even hating her.
Desire for reconciliation: The wish to remain in the family changes. Some decide to cut ties. Others hold out hope that the relationship can be repaired if certain parental behaviors change.
Role reciprocity: They no longer think their parents are behaving the way a mom and dad should. And they stop behaving as a child might be expected to toward a parent. For instance, they may refuse to visit when a parent is sick or even dying.
Legal action: They formally sever ties with a parent, like changing their name or beneficiaries in their will.
Kristina Scharp smiling with long dark hair and a white necklace.
Rutgers University Professor Kristina Scharp studies estrangement. Kristina Scharp
All of these behaviors occur on a spectrum, and not all are at play in every estrangement, Scharp says. People may also fluctuate, moving closer—or away—from a parent at different times.
If parents understand this, they may be able to improve the relationship. “The continuum is where the compromise can exist,” Scharp says.
On Reddit, commenters share strategies on how to pull back from parents: respond to every other call or text; return calls when you know your parents will be busy; request that they stop asking about you; and start “grey rocking,” which is to deliberately make your communication as dull and unresponsive as, well, a grey rock.
Yet people who are pulling away don’t always tell their parents. Even when they do, parents sometimes resist the boundaries their children are trying to set.
Meanwhile, parents may mistake the pullback as a natural developmental phase, realizing the scope only in hindsight.
“The final cutoff is the undeniable writing on the wall,” says Jennifer Hershon, a family-estrangement coach based in Sacramento. “But there’s room for repair before the pattern is entrenched.”
Joe Bernstein, 51, spent decades trying to set boundaries with his dad after what he described as an adverse childhood. First, he tried talking to his father less. Then when he got married and had a child, he stopped sharing news of his family and refused to allow get-togethers. He also tried to actively put his dad out of his mind.
But none of this made him feel better, Bernstein says. He still had flashbacks about incidents in his childhood. He felt consumed by anger. And the more he pulled away, the more his father pushed back, he says.
Then three years ago, Bernstein started therapy, which helped him process his feelings. When his dad later criticized this, Bernstein says he responded by blocking his father.
“This gives me the quantum of solace to step back and sit more peacefully with the situation,” says Bernstein, a higher-education administrator in Chicago. “And it leads to even a sense of compassion for him because he had a rough childhood, too.”
As for a potential reconciliation, Bernstein says he would welcome it if his father was able to treat him with respect and civility. “That would be the better outcome,” he says. “Because ending things in darkness isn’t good for anyone.”
Joe Bernstein running in a "Team to End Aids" rainbow-striped shirt.
Joe Bernstein tried different approaches with his father before blocking him. CHRIS NAVIN
What can estranged parents and children do to bridge the divide?
Not all people who have pulled away or cut off a parent may want to reconnect. If they were abused, for example, it may be safer to stay away.
Yet many estrangements are caused by communication or boundary issues. In these instances, therapists recommend parents and kids who want to repair the relationship meet in a neutral setting, like a restaurant, to talk. The adult child should acknowledge that they are pulling away—and focus on patterns, not individual incidents, when they explain what is wrong.
Parents should have a notebook with them, says Catherine Hickem, a psychotherapist in Atlanta who specializes in parent-adult child relationships. She recommends that parents tell their child: “I realize I have made some mistakes that have hurt you and I want to hear about all of them.”
It is important for parents not to be defensive, try to explain themselves or justify their actions, Hickem says. They should listen. Tell their child that they appreciate the courage it took to tell the truth. And promise to work to change their behavior.
Then the parent should take a few days to reflect on what they heard, call their child back and keep the dialogue going.
“Repair is not this fully cathartic moment,” says Rachel Haack, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Reno, Nev., who works with families dealing with estrangement. “It’s staying connected through the distance.”
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